Like humans, pigs can get influenza (flu), but swine flu viruses aren't the same as human flu viruses. Swine flu doesn't often infect people, and the rare human cases that have occurred in the past have mainly affected people who had direct contact with pigs. But the current swine flu outbreak is different. It's caused by a new swine flu virus that has spread from person to person -- and it's happening among people who haven't had any contact with pigs!!!
Bah dah duh dun!
Swine flu can be spread through:
- Dirty toilet seats(like all great things in life)
- Gingers, they are 80% likely to be carriers without symptoms and should be avoided
- Everyday person to person contact, especially if you're just being polite
- Sexting (click in case you've been missing out on the fun)
Symptoms may include but are not limited to:
- typical flu symptoms
- a constant taste of skittles in the back of throat
- allergic reactions when exposed to pollen
- rapid toenail growth
- partial invisibility
- sudden appearance of superfluous umbilicus
- absolutely no symptoms whatsoever
Seek medical attention immediately if you:
- Hallucinate that there is a man trying to sell you bibles
- Have solid stool, in the shape of Flintstones Vitamins and/or Abe Lincoln
- Have a shooting pain in your left arm, tightness in your chest and shortness of breath (seriously I think you're having a heart attack)
- Experience a violent spasmodic ejection of matter from your stomach through your mouth or any other orifice.
- Feel perfectly fine, as you are now delusional and are in denial that death is immanent.
Prevention and Treatment
Some health care providers may recommend wearing a surgical face mask to prevent the spread of germs, but if masks are not available (highly likely) a pair of tighty whiteys over the face will be just as effective. Washing your hands compulsively is also recommended.
One of the easiest things you can do to protect yourself and others is totally isolate yourself from the outside, world both physically and socially. If you do choose to isolate yourself (recommended) make sure to stock up on essential supplies such as, food, water, limes, beer, spirits, Paulie Shore films and other forms of “adult” entertainment, guns w/ammo, bow and arrows (in case of zombie apocalypse), toilet paper, airplane glue, knot tying guide, and most importantly the ingredients for BLTs and Jackie Wilson's Greatest Hits.
There are several flu medications and vaccines that might help you survive the Swine Flu, but there is only one treatment that is 100% effective: BLT sandwiches (cut diagonally). It is very important to make sure the BLT is not already infected with swine flu. Eating an infected BLT could lead to immediate death or worse (zombie apocalypse).
FAQ:
Q: What happens if the swine flu does cause a zombie apocalypse?
A: Well if you are among the healthy living and the zombie apocalypse actually occurs, grab your bow and arrows and brace yourself for a sort of “hell on earth”. It is impossible to determine the outcome of such an event, but overall I can imagine it will be more painful than an endless movie marathon of Ishtar.
Q:Will swine flu make me a better lover?
A: Outlook not so good, especially for men. In some severe cases, the man's precious appendage has been known to coil up (like a pig's tail). It is reported to be very painful.
Q:Can unicorns get the swine flu?
A: Well if unicorns had not already all been killed off during the Cola Wars (unicorn horn was a popular secret ingredient), I suppose their delicate immune systems would not stand a chance against this rapidly changing flu virus.
Q:Partial invisibility doesn't sound so bad, what's the big deal?
A: Well you could die...plus the uncontrolled partial invisibility combined with any of the other symptoms would make you very socially awkward...
Q:How can I tell if my BLT is infected?
A: A very important question, the only definite way to make sure your BLT is safe to eat in order to treat your swine flu, you must play the song (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher by Jackie Wilson. Beware if the sandwich dances, while it may be entertaining, you're looking at an infected BLT. It should be disposed of immediately!
I hope you find this information helpful. Thanks for joining the panic, let's all take a moment to laugh in the face of death and then go back to our daily lives...
No comments:
Post a Comment